Catalysts
by Twifinn
Summary: Can Bella learn to trust Edward and open up to him after years of clandestine life and can she find and face the ghosts of her past that haunt her family? All human. BxE. Rated M for lang, dark themes and future Lemons.


**A/N: So here it goes, my very first fanfic. The first chapter is really angsty, so if you're not comfortable with some strong language, please do not continue reading. **

**Hope yall enjoy!**

**p.s. the story will get lighter in the next chapters so it's not gonna be all blood 'n' tears.**

**~S.**

**Disclamer: SM is the goddess and creator of everything Twilight-related, I'm just messing with her characters a little. **

_Bella_

I couldn't breathe. I tried to inhale but I just couldn't seem to be able to find my lungs. It's like there was a hole in my chest, nothing there to fill with the vital oxygen.

I needed to get away from here. Away from this claustrophobic house. Away from my fucked up family. Away from all that I had done. All I wanted to do was to run and forget, to feel the fresh, moist air on my face and let the rhythm of my feet slamming against the ground numb me as I distanced myself from everything I loved and cherished.

I could leave now and never come back. Just go where ever and start over. It wouldn't be easy but anything that life had to offer had to be better than the pain constricting my chest at the moment.

I was at the door, my hand on the knob, ready to bolt out and I could already feel the air fill my lungs with less effort. As I turned to look at the room behind me for what I thought would be the final time, I caught a glimpse of an old photo on the wall to my left and froze.

I looked at the girl with big, beautiful brown eyes and long, curly hair. The sun was shining from behind her in the picture, bringing out the bronze undertone of her dark hair and she had the most blissful expression on her face, like the warm breeze of midsummer nights, when the air is filled with the scent of blossoms and the slightest premonition of the coming fall.

_Nessie_. She would never understand, never forgive me. Her little heart was still pure and innocent and whole, yet to be scarred the way mine was and I sure as hell didn't want to be the first one to break it. I couldn't run away and leave my little sister behind.

Instead of fleeing out the door I turned around and ran up the stairs and into the bathroom, locked the door, stripped off my clothes and turned on the hot water. I let the million little daggers burn my skin and slid against the cold tile wall hugging my legs to my chest as the uncontrollable sobs finally escaped from my mouth and ripped my chest apart.

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to stop the flood of images invading my mind, poisoning it. I tried not to see the image of Emmet walking though the front door, to not see the excruciating pain in my brother's eyes. He looked so…mad. And not in the I'm-so-angry-I'm-about-to-rip-your-head-off-kind off mad. No, he looked as if he was seriously about to loose his mind.

"I just...I can't take it…I don't…How…?" he managed in between his sobs and cries of pain that ripped from his chest causing his brawny frame to tremble. I had tried to walk over to him but he just snapped at me to not touch him.

I don't think I've ever seen anyone so broken, so undone, so lost and I could almost see my heart being ripped out of my chest and being broken into shivers. _Way to be over melodramatic, Bella. _

But this is my big brother I'm talking about, the one person who was supposed to really protect me, to keep me safe. I was like a kite, always flying too high and getting caught in the stormy winds, and he was the boy who would always bring me safely back to the ground and take me home. He'd had it so much worse than I did when _it _happened and yet he'd somehow managed to keep it together, which is why seeing him implode like this was so hard to watch. I could feel the tears spilling over and my vision had gotten all blurred.

He clutched a simple grey envelope to his chest as he staggered to the beaten-up couch and crumpled down like a broken ragdoll. Mom had somehow awaken enough from her usual stupor to have reeled over where he sat tears leaving visible tracks on her stained face. I couldn't stand to look at them, so broken down and agonized, my mom cradling my big brother like he was just a baby, stoking his hair with uncommon affection.

The image brought back memories I had been very carefully trying to forget for the past eleven years of my life, memories of a sight very similar to this one. Only then, my mother's loving hands were covered in crimson blood as they waved their way through dark, curly hair.

_And it was entirely my fault._ My breath had left my lungs in a whoosh and suddenly I couldn't breath. I could feel the panic taking over and bile rising in my throat, making it even harder to gasp for air.

But it wasn't my fault, not really, my rational part argued as I let the hot water unknot my tense muscles.

_It is not your fault. It's all on him. You cannot blame yourself for what he did._ I tried to once again make myself believe the words my mom and the countless therapist had attempted to imbed into my head all those years ago. It was like telling a kid Santa isn't real – I knew it had to be true, but still somehow just couldn't bring myself to truly believe it.

I repeated the words in my head a couple of times and the knot in my stomach eased the slightest bit but I still felt nauseous.

I could feel my eyes start to burn as the tears rolled down my cheeks in a constant stream mixing their salt with the hot water from the shower.

But the tears of pain had turned into that of anger and hate towards the man who could cause such pain for my loved ones. Who could break and shatter what I held the dearest with a single letter.

It had been years since _he_ had gotten one through to us, though in the beginning we received many. I only ever read one of them. The grey envelope contained a single sheet of grey paper and the letter only had a single line.

_If it weren't for you he would still be alive._

I was thirteen at the time and I remember mom walking through the door and seeing me with that little piece of paper in my hand.

"What's that honey?" she asked in a curious tone. She was wearing a pretty, flimsy, flowery dress and took a few dance steps as she walked to where I was sitting on the floor and snatched the paper from my hands.

Almost three years had passed since _it_ happened and we had just settled down in our new place four months ago after moving around the country like nomads ever since _that night_. I had actually started to call the house home and made a few acquaintances at school – not friends, I would never have actual friends again.

"No, no, no, it's nothing!" I tried to grab it back but she just gave me a mischievous smile and winked. I used to think of my mother as the sun; she could light up the room with her presence and make everyone around her feel warm and cozy. But after everything that had happened it was like her fire had gone out. That day was the first time in a long, long time since I had felt the sun shining again. It wasn't anything close to the blazing heat she used to radiate, more like the sunshine in the dead of the winter – the light was there but it did nothing to warm you – but at least she was making effort. _She never made effort anymore._

"Bella mothers need to know about secret love letters, that's the whole point!" I watched in horror as she finally looked at the paper and her face fell. Surprise, pain, terror, rage – I saw the emotions flicker on her face as her eyes fell on those ten little words and her hands trembled.

"Sweetie, where'd you get this from?" she asked in an unnaturally even voice and turned to look at me with a composed smile on her face. It didn't reach her eyes. "It came with the mail, it had my name on it", I answered honestly, my voice shaking a little.

The fury and fright both intensified in her eyes as I said the words. "From now on, if you get a letter and you don't know who it's from, you'll bring it to me before opening it, ok sweetheart?" she pleaded and I could detect a hint of desperation underneath her still even voice.

I just nodded and walked over to hug her by the waist. "I'm sorry, mom." I wasn't just apologizing for the letter and we both knew it. She buried her face in my dark, wavy hair and tried to stifle a sob. "Bella you have nothing to be sorry for," she whispered and pressed her lips to my forehead.

Later that night I overheard her talking on the phone with someone in a hushed voice: "I thought you said it'd be safe for us here…then how the hell did he find us? ...No, no way. We just got settled! There has to be another way…"

The next morning she informed Em, Nessie and I that Florida wasn't the right place for us after all and we were on our way by the end of the day. As the Florida sun was left behind us, replaced by the cold, dark air of Alaska, I could see the winter-sun in my mothers eyes freeze over, never to be ablaze again.

"Bella! Bells, honey, are you ok?" a loud knock startled me from my fetal position. I didn't know how much time had passed but I think I must have dozed off because the water was all ice needles stinging my body now. Uncertainly I scrambled to my feet and tried really hard not to think. I needed to pull myself together.

I couldn't let my family see how upset I was, that would only make things worse. I sent a silent thanks to the heavens above for the fact that Nessie was still at school. I didn't even want to think what would have happened if she'd been home when Emmett came… I shuddered at the thought, forced the little traitor-tears, which were still trying to get out, back where they belonged and finally turned the icy water off.

Shivering I stepped out of the shower and checked myself in the mirror. I carefully composed my face into a neutral expression and opened the door to find my mom standing in the hall all concern and worry and pain in her big brown eyes that were startlingly similar to my own. Well, with the exception that hers were permanently bloodshot and a little hazed because of all the drinking.

_No I'm not ok, I just watched the most important man in my life crumble down in front of my eyes. I was just reminded of all the horrid things in the past I spend most of my nights trying to forget and feel guiltier than I ever have. Not to mention the letter means that _he _has somehow found us and we need to run. Again._ I wanted to yell the words at her but knew it would just make things worse. "Yes mom, I'm fine," I said as I skipped past her into my own room without making eye contact again, almost tripping on my own feet as doing so.

"Don't you think we should talk…" she started but I just closed the door in her face because I could feel my eyes burn again. My erratic mother sure could choose the moments to start acting like an actual parent.

I closed my eyes and massaged my temples while biting down on my lip hard enough to make it bleed. We needed to leave soon. Preferably tonight. I had long ago picked up our next destination and our new passports were safe underneath my T-shirts in my top left drawer. Ever since it came apparent mom wasn't going to snap out of her dark place, I had naturally took over the role of the head of the family and so had been prepared for this kind of a situation years ago.

Tears started to stream down my cheeks again as I pulled out a duffel bag from my closet and started throwing what little possessions I had acquired in the last eight years in it. I really had thought our days of running were over, had hoped I would never have to pull out those documents that gave us all new identities. I seriously thought Nessie could actually graduate here.

_How the hell did he find us?_ My mother's words rang through my head as I crossly wiped the tears away. We had been so careful. I was one hundred percent sure no one here knew about our secret identities. But I guess the _how_s and _why_s were irrelevant; the point was, we'd been discovered and we needed to move.

After I was done packing I sprinted downstairs and found Emmet still sitting on the sofa, his head in his hands, mom leaning against him, staring at nothing, holding a bottle of brown liquor in her hand – though it seemed unopened for now.

I cautiously walked over to sit besides them. I really didn't know what to say to my beat down brother so I just started to rub his back gently in big circles. After what seemed like hours he finally lifted his dark, puffy eyes, locking his gaze on mine.

"I'm so damn sorry Bella, it was among my work mail and I knew I shouldn't have opened it, but I had to. I dunno, I guess I sorta thought it might be something different this time. That maybe, just maybe, after all this fucking time it'd be a letter telling us that _he_'d let go…that _he_'d finally show some remorse…Shit. I think that's why it hit me so hard…because I really made myself believe it would be something different this time…I guess people don't really ever change, though…" he trailed off and looked at me with a sad smile on his lips that looked more like a grimace.

I carefully pried the letter he was still holding tightly in his grip away from him and smoothed the rumpled piece of paper.

_If you had done something else than just sit there and watch, none of it would've ever happened. You are such a fucking coward and a disgrace to your fathers! Someday you WILL pay – you can count on my word on that._

I can't say I was really surprised by the harsh words, allegations and threats. From what I had gotten from my mother along the years, the rest of the letters had been very similar.

"So, when are we leaving?" mom asked looking at me lifting one eyebrow, the pain clear in her eyes. I couldn't remember the last lime I'd seen her this sober.

"As soon as Nessie gets home from school and we get our stuff together." I said with as much determination in my voice as I could muster.

Telling my little sister that we needed to leave was the hardest part. She had grown up here, she had friends, actual friends she would miss, and she couldn't really remember living anywhere else. Leaving everything she knew behind was a huge stretch for a 16-year-old.

Em and I had learned to not get attached and be ready to leave at a minutes notice from a young age, but Nessie had been just a kid when we had our vagrant season. It would also make convincing her of the importance of our immediate departure easier if we could explain to her exactly _why_ it was so vital.

But Emmet and I had decided, with mom agreeing with us, that it'd be best if she didn't know the whole truth. First of all she was a moody little teenager who might accidentally slip something if she wasn't careful with her words. Secondly, we just really wanted to spare her the pain the knowledge brought with it.

"What do you mean _we have to leave right now and I can't tell anyone_? What about all my friends, you think they're not gonna try to find me?" she yelled at Em and me incredulously.

"Sweetie I know it's hard, but we really need to go right now. You can send them a text or something when we're on our way, saying you had to go and would probably never be back, but that you're ok and sorry," Em tried to calm her down.

As big fat tears started rolling down her face I took her hand in mine and led her upstairs. "Come on N, I'll help you pack."

A half an hour later the four of us were crammed into my truck, Em driving, all our belongings in the back and we were headed south. It was already dark outside and I was hoping tonight wouldn't bring with it the winter's first snowfall.

I turned on the radio, trying to find a station with something jolly on, but all I got were some broken hearted country songs or some fucking boom-boom-blasting-ghetto-fabulous rap. I decided on the rap.

Mom had finally opened her bottle and was well on her way to pass out any minute, the smell of the alcohol saturating the air of the small cabin space. Nessie was moping and I think I could still see a tear glimmer in the corner of her eye as she gazed out of the window, watching our little safe haven of a home disappear into the darkness.

I felt so bad for making her leave everything she loved, everything _she_ _was_. This really wasn't the life I wanted my little sister to have, never being able to be who you really are, always hiding secrets and trusting no one, like some sort of a renegade.

She deserved better. Hell, we all did. And as I watched her somber little face from the car window I decided this would be the last time we would run. As soon as we got settled into our new place, I would find _him_ and end this once and for all. Come what may.

"So, sis," Emmet turned to look at me with a slight grin on his face – regardless the circumstances, he loved road tripping. "Which part of this god-forsaken country shall we call our next home?"

I couldn't help but to smile back as I realized that my resolution meant that no matter what it took, this was going to be the last time he ever had to ask me that question.

"That would be the little town of Forks, Washington."

**So that was it. The opening of my new story. What did you guys think? What'd you recon will happen when they hit Forks? Reviews can help our runaways reach their destination sooner! :) **


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